“I’m Going to Kill Myself”
Never underestimate the undeniable power of words.
Taylor Laber
“I’m going to kill myself.”
All around the school, in classrooms and in the halls, I hear this phrase.
It’s tossed around jokingly, multiple times a day.
There isn’t a day that I don’t hear it.
This honestly creates a big problem, whether it’s realized or not. Hopefully, I’m not coming off as one of those “social justice warriors,” because I know how annoying and ignorant they can be.
If anything, I just want to get one small thing across. I’m not afraid to admit that I sometimes have suicidal thoughts. I’m not afraid to admit that I’ve attempted to act upon those thoughts. Despite the fact I have help for that now, it still hurts me mentally when I hear others say it.
It almost comes off as encouraging.
It mentally drains me when I constantly hear people go about how they want to kill themselves over a test, over something they don’t get, or something as small as losing a pencil.
I already deal with my own thoughts of self-harm, and I don’t want to be indirectly encouraged to do so. It even overshadows people who really do feel suicidal, as it makes them look like an attention-grabber and possibly gives the impression that they’re overreacting. It dismisses people who really feel this way.
I have a feeling me writing this probably will get a few eye-rolls and people thinking that I’m overreacting. That exactly proves my point and why I wrote it.
Hopefully, people take me seriously and not dismiss this. I feel like it’s incredibly important for the positivity of this school.
こんにちは！僕はテイラです。
Oh wait, that’s not English.
Hi, I’m Taylor. I don’t normally do bios, but TL;DR, I’m a homosapien...
Gracie Ball • Mar 5, 2018 at 8:20 pm
Every time I hear the phrase “I’m going to kill my self” in a joking way, it takes me down a knotch. My cousin Kaleb Woomer recently committed suicide. He used to say he was going to do it in a joking way all the time and that’s how people took it. But it’s not a joke, it’s not just a phrase people should throw around all the time. Because as sad as it is, the more you say it, the less serious people take you. I used to say the phrase all the time. If I dropped a pencil I would say “I’m going to kill myself” but after him, I realized it’s not a joke. I suffered with depression and self harm for a couple months in the past and it’s something no one should ever have to go through alone. I know how you feel Taylor and If you ever need to talk I’m here.
Taylor Laber • Mar 6, 2018 at 10:07 am
thank you so much!! im really sorry for your loss, and i hope you’re getting help now. i feel bad you lost your cousin to suicide
Unknown • Mar 2, 2018 at 2:41 pm
When somebody says I’m going to kill myself… it doesn’t make me feel like I want to. It hurts because they truly don’t know how it feels to be in that situation. Everybody feels differently about it. I’m going to counseling and I’m taking medication. I truly hope that anybody who feels that way gets help.
Taylor Laber • Mar 6, 2018 at 9:57 am
i’m glad you’re getting help!! while it may be encouraging for me, im glad you’re not encouraged by it and are on your way to become a better person!!!
Unknown • Mar 1, 2018 at 8:49 pm
I think hearing people say ” im going to kill myself” is hurtful, not encouraging. And when someone does take their life, it’s not selfish. They have a mental illness and they need help. I know, I am just like Taylor.
Taylor Laber • Mar 2, 2018 at 8:48 am
i agree, but i have to wonder, why do you think it isn’t even a little encouraging? personally, as stated before through other’s comments, it comes off as that way for me when i’m already struggling with those thoughts. if people are laughing, joking about it, and not even really taking a moment to consider if they mean it, it would simply encourage myself to attempt it, since it comes off as uncaring and all “pshh its nothinnn its just a joke haha!!!!”
Unknown • Mar 1, 2018 at 10:13 am
I agree that it is wrong to say this, but i also think that saying it is encouraging is a little over the line.
Taylor Laber • Mar 1, 2018 at 9:39 pm
why’s that?
personally, i feel it’s indirectly encouraging, especially to me. no matter how much im told its wrong, no matter how many times i tell myself i shouldn’t do it, the thought to suicide is still there.
just hearing others joke about it honestly makes me feel like nobody would even notice if i’m dead, considering everyone is too busy joking about wanting to die themselves, if they mean it or not.
Stacie watson • Mar 1, 2018 at 8:36 am
This took alot of courage to write and come out in public how you feel. Hats off to you and moving forward. Also, to those who have thoughts giving them the courage to talk about it to others. It’s a start in going forward .
lucky • Mar 1, 2018 at 8:18 am
i mean ok
Taylor Laber • Mar 1, 2018 at 9:39 pm
me_irl
Gabriel • Feb 28, 2018 at 1:32 pm
Your welcome.
-_- • May 2, 2018 at 8:24 am
*you’re
Anakin • Feb 28, 2018 at 10:17 am
This has really gone around as a joke. I personally.grew out of it. but for most people, it takes a long time. for a VERY long time. not many people are that serious about it that can be terrible. but some people that aren’t shielded from the pain go to take the time to make a joke out of it to lighten up how terrible it is. but some are just insensitive, but it’s not everyone. So the kids who say the stuff overshadow the ones who don’t.
most of the time
but this isn’t something to shrug off, and some people don’t see that. so it causes others pain from it. so they keep doing it without hearing them out.
Jacey Whitcomb • Feb 28, 2018 at 9:36 am
Taylor, this was so brave of you to speak up about a topic people really don’t take seriously. The phrase is thrown around a lot and it really shouldn’t be. I can’t lie and say I have never said the phrase ” I’m going to kill myself” as a joke with my friends because I have, and for that I’m sorry. I know how hard it can be to hear those words and not think back to when you were in a low place. Stay Strong Taylor!
Taylor Laber • Mar 1, 2018 at 8:51 am
thank you so much!!
Brittany Weaver • Feb 28, 2018 at 9:33 am
As someone who has struggled severely with depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts- as well as attempts- I hear what you’re saying. Regardless of how much you know deep down that you shouldn’t feel that way, or even want to act on those feelings, it doesn’t make it any less difficult. All you become able to think of is how “the pain will go away if I go away” or “people would be better off if I stop breathing.” And no matter how many times you are told these thoughts are irrational and untrue, and no matter how much you may know deep down that they’re lies or how much you try to convince yourself you’re wrong, they never feel any less true. I’ve been there on countless occasions, and after the fact, you have people asking how they didn’t know, asking how what they could have done better. True, once someone has their mind made up about this, there isn’t much anyone can do to completely stop it, however, one thing everyone can do to help is stop treating suicide, depression, and self harm as if they’re jokes. They’re very serious topics that no one takes seriously until after the fact when they have no other choice because it’s too late. When you hear someone say “I’m gonna kill myself” you shouldn’t feel the urge to laugh, you should feel concern. And if you don’t truly mean it, then please- don’t say it. Not only is it something to not take lightly, but it could actually trigger someone else who ACTUALLY struggles with those thoughts on a daily basis.
Taylor Laber • Mar 1, 2018 at 8:49 am
i!!! agree!!!! so much
i think you even said it better than i did, honestly. you said everything i attempted to convey so greatly honestly
Jay Isenberg • Feb 28, 2018 at 8:13 am
Taylor, you shouldn’t have to feel this way. I’ve talked to you before, you are a good person that makes the world a better place. You mean a lot to a lot of people.
Taylor Laber • Feb 28, 2018 at 8:40 am
thank you so much!! i really appreciate it
don’t worry about me, though, i have the help i need thankfully, i just hope others get it too
Iziah Christy • Feb 28, 2018 at 8:09 am
I feel like people shouldn’t joke about that because it is a very serious thing. Even though they might say that most of them don’t mean it. And if people report them then it delays people that actually have those thoughts, to get help. Even if that seems like the last option it is really not. There are better things in life then killing yourself. Also, the main reason why people have the thoughts are, they get picked on or bullied. Then, they go home which is their safe place (away from people who are picking on them), but if they have family issues that adds more stress. Which, resides to those thoughts, I feel like people shouldn’t say that unless they truly feel that way. So the person can get the help they need.
Taylor Laber • Feb 28, 2018 at 8:41 am
i agree 100% honestly! it sucks that too many people joke about it because i’d overhear it during math or something and i’d get reminded of my own thoughts of how i want to do it sometimes
Angel Briggs • Feb 28, 2018 at 8:01 am
This makes people feel worse talking about how it’s selfish to kill themselves…Think before you speak
julian cempa • Feb 28, 2018 at 9:04 am
read above comment on my response on why.
Taylor Laber • Mar 1, 2018 at 8:47 am
i have no idea if you’re referring to the phrase or me but
i want to clarify that its not selfish
thank you
Cheyenne Leech • Feb 27, 2018 at 6:24 pm
I know how you feel about the suicidal bit. In fact, I used to deal with the same things. I used to have /those/ thoughts. You’ve helped me with that though and for that I am grateful. The only regret I have is not saying it to your face more often.
Taylor Laber • Feb 28, 2018 at 8:38 am
thank you so much!!!! i really appreciate it!!
Cheyenne Leech • Feb 28, 2018 at 2:16 pm
You’re welcome, and btw if you every need someone to talk to, I’m here for you.
Lexi Kramer • Feb 27, 2018 at 1:40 pm
I’m so sorry that you feel that way Taylor. Hearing about it all day must also be tiring mentally and emotionally. I totally understand your point and I agree that people throw that phrase around too often, myself included.
Taylor Laber • Feb 28, 2018 at 8:38 am
i’m glad you’re aware of this and even working to try and be a part of the solution!!!! it really makes me feel happy to know someone wants to try and fix this as much as i do
Gabriel • Feb 27, 2018 at 1:39 pm
It is so sad how people want to kill themselves. I hope people find the help they need to stop these nasty thoughts. If you think you want to kill yourself talk to the guidance counselor about it please. Have a nice day and stay safe. bye.
Taylor Laber • Feb 27, 2018 at 3:52 pm
personally, i have a therapist, so if your concerns were aimed at me, don’t worry!!!! the concern and care for this kind of thing is very nice of you!!!
Julian Cempa • Feb 27, 2018 at 1:35 pm
you shouldn’t have to go through depression hearing these things, but it also is seen as a joke. it just depends on who is serious about it all. If you do have thoughts of suicide, do something about it, don’t just hurt yourself and assume there is no-were to go to, because there is. Also, attempting to harm yourself with the goal of ending your life is selfish, the person should seek professional treatment.
Taylor Laber • Feb 27, 2018 at 3:39 pm
it’s hard to tell who is joking and when, if i have to hear it every single day of my life, including from myself.
i don’t think you understand the concept of ending your life, and why people like me feel it would be better for everyone else. people with depression like myself usually try their best to benefit others without taking care of themselves, and if they feel like they’re only causing problems, theyre going to try and “fix” it. it’s different for everyone, and personally, i don’t really see why it would be selfish. stupid, yes, but not selfish
julian cempa • Feb 28, 2018 at 9:02 am
It seems you judge me, even before you have heard my story, so let me tell it to you so you may understand how i know what suicide and the feeling of hopelessness. a family member decided to end his/her life because he thought he couldn’t get through a rough time. You never know how much someone means to you when the end there life. they didn’t think about it, they didn’t think anything through. the pain that rippled through my family. No-one understood how he felt. he took his own life, and didn’t think twice about it. though, He didn’t tell anybody, it hurt, and no one could understand how he felt. You may feel depressed, but there people there for you, even if you don’t feel it. You are taking your life away from people that love you, you are selfish for not telling anyone how you feel. people love you and wouldn’t know what to do if you would end your life, you would only be thinking about yourself, and what is “best” for you in your eyes. but the moment You hurt yourself to the point of almost ending/ ending your life, you will regret it.
please take this as me being “Educated’ in what it is like being deppresed, Because i felt it when my family member decided to do that .
Taylor Laber • Feb 28, 2018 at 1:24 pm
well, i understand why you think it’s selfish, but, let me tell you from my point of view.
as a person who has had depression ever since elementary, i’ve always been told i’ve been selfish for overreacting, feeling hopeless, and anxious over everything, that i’m making it all about myself. that reason alone is why i never like to tell anyone- i hate trying to divert the attention to myself. it’s why people never usually see me interacting with others in class, or talking in class in general- i don’t want to annoy people.
“oh, but taylor, you don’t annoy people!!” for years, my mom had no idea how to properly express her anger, so she often took out her anger at me, calling me a selfish brat for not knowing how to handle situations correctly, for getting upset, for having simple emotions.
if you were told everything you did was you overreacting, selfish, and often felt like nobody wanted to help you, you wouldn’t want to be alive, either. i didn’t judge you right away, julian, i was simply trying to explain something to you.
suicide isn’t selfish. suicide is just stupid.
i’m sorry for your loss, but, it wasn’t selfish of them to suicide. when i first tried to get help, i was pushed away, being told i need to get over it. is that selfish, to wish to not bother others?
julian cempa • Mar 1, 2018 at 8:28 am
I understand it from your point of view, take it from someone that lost a family member because they did it. if you think taking your life isn’t selfish, you have obviously haven’t had anyone leave your life so abruptly. if you believe that ending your life is a viable option, something is wrong with your mental state obviously. Just because you believe you have no Impact in this life, Doesnt mean someone doesnt believe the opposite. people have it way worse then you, but that doesnt mean you shouldnt feel loved. Killing youself shoudnt be glorified. If you have feelings of doing it, tell someone. you are NOT FIXING ANYTHING BY ENDING YOUR LIFE. PERIOD
Taylor Laber • Mar 1, 2018 at 7:36 pm
i never said that by killing yourself, you would fix anything.
also, i HAVE had someone leave my life before via suicide, and never thought once that it was selfish. it never is selfish. i’ve had a lot of crap tossed at me my whole life, for example, being a victim of pedophilia / being used for sexual purposes. i think i know what i’m talking about, considering i’ve had a lot of things thrown at me.
yes, i know, i shouldn’t be tossing my personal information around, but, if it’s to help people understand suicide and depression easier, then i couldn’t care less about myself.