Humor: Sports in a Nutshell

53 sports, millions of players


Photo "Sports Nut-2" by "Richard" Creative Commons use from

For the "sports nut" in all of us, Eagle Eye writer Steven Sessaman shares some "alternative" definitions of popular sports.

Tyrone love sports. Sports are always a hot topic in the school and community. However, for the uninitiated (or uninterested), sports can be quite complicated to understand, so presented to you are some helpful “alternative definitions” of 53 of the most known, and comedic, sports in America:

Football: People charging at one another to aggressively hug or avoid being hugged while trying to get the bacon egg to the painted area marked with a giant fancy Y.

Rugby:  A lot of people charging at one another to aggressively hug or avoid being hugged, while trying to get the bacon egg to the painted area marked with a giant fancy Y.

Wrestling: Underwear wearing people hugging each other on a mattress until one gives up.

WWE Wrestling: Actors in undergarments hugging each other for people to watch eagerly. The audience will cheer as a ladder and folding chair are in a battle with each other.

Fencing: Make friends, wear chain mail uniforms, relatively stab your friends. Medieval war games are now available for children.

Boxing: Important things to remember the dance, wear a skirt and gloves, stay on the mattress, and don’t get hit.

Chess-Boxing: A hybrid between one of the most dangerous sports and one of the most mind puzzling board games. Imagine this with other sports and board games. Chutes and ladders-Basketball, Monopoly-Golf, Sorry Sliders-Surfing, or Clue-Baseball.

Basketball: The sport that is just like armed robbery. You SHOOT the ball, STEAL the ball, and then you RUN with the ball. The original format of the game would make it a bit funny. He shoots, he scores, pauses the time, wait for the ladder to be set up, the ball to be retrieved, the ladder needs to be taken down, and now you may start. This is repeated every time there is a goal made.

Baseball: The sport that’s also basically an armed robbery and a hit and run case. You HIT a ball, STEAL bases, and RUN around a bit. The most interesting part of this game of fetch is that the field has a giant diamond in the middle of it.

Softball: Lies. Nothing but lies. Have you ever felt a softball there is nothing soft about those things, not to mention that it’s twice the size of a baseball? This should be called hardball if anything.  

Soccer: Kick a ball into a net. It’s as simple as that. You just kick a panda patterned ball into a net, and if you miss you either try again or let someone else try.

Lacrosse: Soccer but you play catch with a butterfly net and a ball. Native American Football now played by 60,000 pilgrims. Why don’t we watch this at Thanksgiving instead of Football?

Golf: You use the stick to persuade the egg into going into the little hole in the ground. The fewer times you beat the little thing with a metal club the better.

Mini Golf: Imagine your playing golf. Now put in the most annoying players you can think of and put that golfing pasture into a parking lot with a windmill and themed buildings.

Hockey: It like playing soccer with knives strapped to your feet, and instead of a panda ball you have the letter L and a burnt biscuit. You also don’t use shin pads you use a dog training suit while the goalie dresses up as Jason.

Figure Skating: You strap knives to your feet, wear tights, slip around on the ice for a bit, and then you’re an Olympic athlete. Cursive walking.

Bowling: You strike, a miss then your in the gutter. Turkey! You roll a coconut into a hole and try not to get it into a ditch while you’re trying to knock down penguins with three chokers on their necks.  

Dodge ball: Self-explanatory. “If you can dodge traffic then you can dodge a ball.” The only difference between a car and a dodge ball is that one is traveling at 50 mph towards you and the other is metal.

Pin Guard: If bowling and dodge ball had two kids and gym teachers chose the one that wouldn’t end up with craters in the floor, shattered bones, and thrown out shoulders. Unfortunately, we are given the one where the ball travels at “Ludicrous speed” towards your head even though you’re to hit the penguins.

Curling: Bowling on ice. The rock is thrown down the alley and with the help of Disney’s Fantasia demons, brooms. The one who gets the rock in the middle of the dartboard wins.

Bowls: Bowling on the mini-golf course. The object of the game: roll balls at the kitty. The one who gets the closest to the kitty wins. No penguins, only kittens.

Shuffleboard: Shuffle and board not included. You are playing slide-lane. You slide the hockey ball down the lane and into a representation of the hierarchy. Old people play this to remember the good old days of nobles reigning over the clergy and the clergy reigning over the peasants. If the biscuit lands in the nobles spot you win.

Swimming: Splish, Splash! Splish, Splash! “What do we swim, swim, swim oh ho ho. How I love to swim.” Splish, Splash! Splish, Splash!

Equestrian: Giddy up. You sit on top of this half-ton Goliath that wears the skin of fellow Goliath. You make it run in circles, avoid barrels, and then it jumps the fences, but you’ll get mad if it jumps the fences in its own home. Hypocrites!

Polo: Croquet, but instead of a colorful pole in the ground it’s a soccer net. It’s just soccer on horseback with mallets swinging at the horse’s feet. Safety first you know.

Elephant Polo: It’s like regular polo, but better. Instead of a horse that will listen to your commands, you have a giant cow this an arm on its face. You get to swing at the small croquet balls with an elongated hammer.

Volleyball: The competitive sports variant of keeping the balloon off the ground mixed with Hot Potato. A fishing net hung up across the playing field and the ball was weaved from bandaids.

Water Polo: Sounds like it would be fun, but it’s just volleyball for fish. Could you imagine riding on the back of swimming horses while trying to hit a floating ball with a long hammer? That would be much more entertaining than playing volleyball in the streets of Venice, Italy.

Tennis: It’s volleyball but with a small yellow ball being beaten up and launched across that fishing net with a spider webbing filled paddle. Sounds complicated enough until you realized that the court is the size of your lungs, so it’s now just confusing.

Tennis Polo: soccer, but not soccer. Instead of your feet, you use your hands. Instead of a panda ball, it’s a green peach with a headband. Instead of the goalie using their hands they use a small oar with a spider webbing. Good thing it’s not lawn dart polo.

Badminton: it’s just tennis, but you beat lifeless birds around for the entertainment of others and yourself. Family fun and entertainment.

Ping Pong: Miniature tennis. You have a ball so small it lost its color and fur, the court is so small it had grown legs to make it more intimidating to the other courts, the court lost it’s yellow pigment and is left blue, and the racket is so small the spider couldn’t build its web in the middle, so it’s just a solid, rough, mini oar.

Pickleball: Very misleading. You’d have thought that this would have to deal with condiments, but nope. You just dribble the inflated volleyball and pass it over to the other side. 

Squash: Duck! Hit the ball! Duck! Whoever thought that this game was FUN must have been insane. There are no squashes involved; who would ever play a game without a gourd. Bowling has a heavy pumpkin, football has spaghetti squash, soccer has a festive pumpkin.

Running Track: Oh Boy! Circles. Oh, how I just love running around in circles. There are fences on the roadway, so jump the fence and try not to trip. Obviously. 

Throwing Track: Throw a hammer, a Frisbee, a ball, a lawn dart, and now you’re an athlete in four events. Hooray!

Jumping Track: Jump onto a mattress, jump into the sand, run and jump onto the sand, run and jump onto a mattress, run and jump onto a mattress with a chopstick.

Parkour: The art of running away like a startled cat. Running down an ally, jumping on the walls, knocking things down, causing a disturbance, and ending up in a place that is very confusing on how you got there.

Surfing: “Shark Bait, ooh ah ah!” Stand on a plank of driftwood and let the agitated ripples in the water seal your fate.

Canoeing: “Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Help I’m having a stroke!” Sit in a log with your friends and paddle to the finishing float.

Kayaking: Independent canoeing. All the fun of canoeing and solitary confinement rolled into one horrendous thing. 

Bobsledding: Four Bobs sit in a log and rocket down an icy tunnel of FUN.

Skiing: “We will meet you at the bottom, hopefully….” is what everyone should be telling you before you strap sticks to your limbs and start your descent down the mountain that wasn’t safe enough to walk up.

Snowboarding: It’s surfing on snow with your feet tied to the board. On the plus side, there are no sharks, but alternatively, there are trees, giant rocks, and snowflakes that want you dead.

Band: Tooty toot toot, Par rum pum pum pum, and other words that blurt out of the non-mayonnaise instruments. Sometimes you’re ants and other times you’re musical garden gnomes just sitting in an arc staring at a man with a magic wand that changes the tone and volume of the wiggly air coming out of the metal.

Cheerleading: “Hurray! Go sports team!” “Let’s stack our bodies into what’s supposed to be a pyramid!” “Now let’s throw and spin you around like a rag doll in the mouth of a dog!”

Dance: The most competitive dancers learn to dance by learning how to walk before they learn to run, but then they throw all that out the window. They just need to know how to tumble, spin, flip, and cheer. All things that toddlers know how to do and do, but in more appropriate clothes.

Theater: Rhythmic screaming and making the air very wiggly. The entire performance is ruined if a small phone is a bit mischievous, or if the light fans are facing the wrong way.

Skydiving: Jump from a vehicle 15,000 feet up and let a blanket save your fall. Don’t worry try it once. If it’s too much for you to handle then you don’t have to do it again. Sorry I mean you can’t do it again.

Bungee Jumping: You feet are tied up and you are tossed down into a hole. That sounds a bit too much like getting on the bad side of the Mafia, but you get to do it repeatedly. Fun with rubber bands and deadly plummets.

Hang Gliding:  It’s a bird. No, it’s a plane. No, it’s a guy falling with style. Strap yourself to a kite and jump off of a cliff, bridge, dam, or building. A compromise between flying and normality of humans.

Kite Fighting: The aggressiveness of hockey put into a childhood pastime of flying a kite. Cut your enemy’s ties to the heavens and make him lose maybe a nickel for the string.

Balloon Racing: take your giant Penny wise bag of smoke and travel across the nation. Your head is just inches from a giant fire, and that fire is just inches from the balloon and the ropes that hold the balloon to the basket. You drift thousands of feet up and await the time when a downdraft or an updraft ruins your life.