M is for Memories

The one thing I will forever remember her by is that faint scar on her nape and seeing her smiling at the Tokyo Tower with a sea of lights behind her. For someone like me who never strived to be anything in life I can tell you for sure that I had the best luck. I was always told the same thing no matter where I went “You have an extremely weak heart, you have to refrain from any strenuous activity including school. It is also best if you stay in the hospital since you aren’t in the most stable condition.”I specifically remember this one night when I was about ten years old, I left my room to find my parents and overheard my doctor say, “I am so sorry but it doesn’t seem like his heart condition is going to get better anytime soon, I think his heart can only hold out until he turns 21 years old.” I saw my Mom and Dad wheeze and cry with their entire beings.They begged and pleaded with the doctor to find some way, any way to save me but Dr. Wilson could only tell them it was the best he could do. To hear that their only child was going to only live until he was 21 was the worst thing any parent can ask for. The only thing that could be worse is knowing that You’re the son that is going to die before you can even see your 22nd birthday.

The one and only person who never seemed to be sad or show pity when they were around me was my doctor’s daughter Milly. Milly scared me when we first met because of her excessive sense of charisma and loud mouth. She was always barking orders at me like some kind of drill sergeant, and when I refused she would put on this sad puppy look that I could never refuse. For some reason I always felt at ease with Milly. She made it seem like time never moved, like there was no such thing as heart conditions, or sickness. When she smiled the only thing I could see was the beams of sunlight that would surround her face like she was some kind of sunflower. Every time Milly would come over she would give me books and teach me the things she learned in school. I remember once she came in wearing these really, really big heels and telling me if I had any questions to raise my hand and address her as “ma’am”. It was always fun when Milly was around, she always made me feel less suffocated by my sickness. She was my air.

When I turned about thirteen I asked my parents for the most selfish thing; If I could attend a boarding school. I can still remember the looks on their faces when they wanted to immediately blurt out no, but they didn’t. I knew they wouldn’t because they would do anything and give anything they could to me, and yeah I know it sounds selfish since I knew they wanted me to stay in the hospital but I figured “hey I’m gonna die anyway so why not live a little”. Now of course I wanted to get out the hospital, but main reason I wanted to leave for boarding school was to get away from one and only one person: Milly. By the time you’re thirteen I’m pretty sure you began to have romantic feelings for someone whether it was a small crush or some weird obsession. But me, I knew I loved Milly; Yeah I know someone is gonna say “you’re only thirteen how do you know what love is?” But I’ll tell you, Milly was the most special person in the world to me, and because of the fact that I was going to die before I reach 22 years of age I knew she couldn’t be with me. I would rather leave her alive then leave her by death.

After some simple transition regulations were put into place I was finally put into admittance for The Hokkaido International School. Although I wouldn’t be in Tokyo with my parents anymore, I knew I wouldn’t have a chance of being around Milly which would only deepen my feelings for her. After about five years had passed things had been going smoothly, I even had a group of friends.

Even though I couldn’t participate in a lot of the normal activities that everybody else did like gym, or setting up for plays, and festivals it was still better than being trapped in that cold, silent hospital. I still saw my parents when they came for visits, and a doctor from the hospital would come for my check-up every Saturday. Life was going just right, even if Milly wasn’t apart of it but I knew it was for the best. At our annual entrance ceremony we were waiting of the student who scored the highest on our first examination to give their speech. Me and my friends were wondering who it could’ve been since the same student always got the top scores every year. Over the loudspeaker we heard the principal announce the student’s name: “Milly Wilson, Ms. Milly Wilson please come to the stage”. Ouch? What’s wrong with me right now? My chest hurts, and did the principal just say Milly is here? The last thing I saw was my friend Takano looking down screaming at me. I awakened in the hospital only to find Milly, 18 year old Milly who now didn’t look like a small chubby squid, but resembled some kind of beautiful butterfly. She wasn’t the Milly I left behind, and I when I saw her it only reminded me of why I fell in love with her in the first place. As soon as I sat up in the bed Milly punched my arm with as much strength as she could use. ‘Um I hope you know that you’ve just injured a sick person” I snickered, but Milly didn’t laugh. She just stood there staring at me with her eyes full of tears waiting to gush out like a tsunami. She then kneeled and hugged me around my waist crying and screaming at me, “Why! Why did you leave you idiot!, Do you know how I felt when I went to the hospital only to find out you were going off to some boarding school? My dad wouldn’t let me see you anymore, nor would he even tell me which school you were going to.”She then kept staring at me like if I didn’t answer her she would punch me again, or worse cry more. “I’m really sorry Milly, You see I had to leave it was for the best. If I didn’t my feelings for you would’ve gotten worse. You see I love you Milly, I really do but somebody like me has no future which means I can’t make you happy.” Unfortunately, I got punched in the arm again. Milly stood up and ranted on and on about how I completely ignored her feelings until she said something I never expected. “I know you’re not supposed to live past the age of 21, and I know that you love me just as much as I love you but I refuse for you to use your illness as an excuse to leave me!” Milly sobbed all over me while I just sat and held her in my arms. What was I doing? Was I really using my heart condition as some kind of excuse? I watched Milly as she tried to wipe the snot from off her face and began to laugh hysterically. I never realized that I was selling myself so short. I had a life, maybe not a long one but I had one and I darn sure was not going to waste it.

Dr. Wilson walked into the room with a not so good look on his face, which made me a bit worried. I finally was able to tell Milly my feelings and to have them returned as well, which made life seem worth living. Dr. Wilson came in and told Milly to step out the room. He told me about the attack I had at school, and about how my heart condition has gotten worse. I thought “Oh great right when things were going good for once now my heart condition wants to get jealous over my attention like some teenage girl whining to her boyfriend.” Dr. Wilson told me I only had two options and how I wasn’t going to like one of them. I could either get a heart transplant, or better yet die in 1 year. Now the dying in 1 year option seemed tempting but I would rather get the heart transplant, but not knowing how long I’ll have to wait for a heart in general or rather surviving the surgery were the only real risks involved. Remember how I told you for some reason I have the best luck? Well here’s my proof; Dr. Wilson smiled when I said I wanted the surgery, and proceeded to tell me how when I was 10 years old he put me on the waiting list for a heart transplant, in which 8 years later guess who was now at the top of that list? Dr. Wilson informed me of the details and Milly told me she would be back in the morning before I went in for surgery. I really wanted her to stay with me all night but she told me she had to go home and finish her work for school, because she was with me in the hospital the entire time. Milly leaned in and kissed me, like she actually kissed me. I was in complete shock because unlike some other guys I didn’t have any kind of experience with girls, nor did I ever kiss one. Milly smiled and promised that she would see me in the morning, saying that nothing but death could keep her from seeing me. I never knew that she would take so seriously.

In the morning when I woke up Dr. Wilson and the nurses were rushing around preparing me for my surgery. My parents were sitting in my room worried and extremely happy at the same time which seemed weird to me but I could understand why they felt that way. The only person that was missing was Milly. I figured she probably was up all night and woke up late, but I was about to go in for surgery and she still wasn’t here which made me a bit stressed. Unfortunately Dr. Wilson couldn’t wait any longer and told me that I could see her when I came out from the surgery. I was left with no choice then. After hours of surgery everything had been successful and I was cleared to go back to my room to sleep because of the effects of the anesthesia. I asked my parents if Milly was here and they wouldn’t answer me. I began to get more and more worried; what was going on? Where was she? Negative thoughts began to cloud my mind as I thought of the reasons why Milly was not here.

Dr. Wilson then came into the room, he looked at me with pity, and sorrow. He then began to cry saying that he “couldn’t do that to me” that “I didn’t need to hear this so soon.” What was wrong with everybody? And why weren’t they saying anything about Milly? My dad then told everyone that he would tell me what everyone was so distressed about. After everyone left from out the room my dad walked over and sat on the edge of my bed. He told me to remain calm and to not get riled up since I just got out of surgery. I was already calm as still water, and all I wanted to know was why everyone seemed down and where Milly was. My dad told me in a husky and shaky voice “I am so sorry son, Milly she was coming here when it happened. There was nothing we could do.” He then kept apologizing over and over saying Milly was coming here when “it” happened. But what happened? And in god’s name where was Milly! I shouted as loud as I could at the time “Where is Milly dad, and what do you mean ‘when it happened?” Dr. Wilson then busted into the room and shouted “Milly is dead, she died rushing here for you! She got hit by a car and died on sight, all because she wanted to see you live” I was extremely confused, did he really just say that Milly is dead? She couldn’t have been, she only went home because she had to finish her school work. She promised me she would come back this morning! I began to realize that I had nothing to live for if Milly was no longer here. I couldn’t sleep, eat, nevertheless breathe without knowing Milly was okay. The world began to tilt to left and I felt my body go completely numb. Usually people would get worried if they felt like this but I wasn’t because I saw Milly. She looked sad and angry throwing her fists in my direction screaming out words I couldn’t hear, “Go Back, Go Live!” I heard her screaming this at me and I realized where I was. I looked down to see my body laying on the hospital bed and Dr. Wilson along with my parents crying and shaking my body but it wasn’t moving.

Turns out I had died of a heart attack 30 minutes after I had the heart transplant. Most people would look at it as, “He finally was given life and he died only 30 minutes afterwards” But to me if Milly wasn’t there then I had no reason to live. When I died I now had a life, because Milly was by my side forever now, and nothing not even a heart condition could stop us from being together up here in heaven. I guess I really didn’t have the best luck, but here with Milly I didn’t need any.