I want to be able to smoke. I want everyone to be able to smoke. Hopefully, those of us who are stupid enough to smoke will die much earlier than everyone else.

I want children to be able to smoke.

Because here’s the thing: the thugs who start smoking early are still smoking– even though it’s illegal for them to buy tobacco products. We all know how easy it can be for someone to get their older friends to buy them cigarettes. So the law isn’t actually doing anything, is it? I propose making it legal everywhere in the US for children of any age to buy and use tobacco products.

The reason why we need to attack the child-smoker problem (figuratively, of course) is because most smokers start when they’re children anyway. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, “Nearly 9 out of 10 cigarette smokers first tried smoking by age 18, and 99% first tried smoking by age 26”. That’s phenomenal! And it’s also why getting people to quit is not the issue– it’s preventing people from starting. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, as they say.

You may think I’m crazy– allowing smoking would open it up to even more children, right? Well, exactly! That’s the point! According to MedBroadcast, the top reasons that children smoke is because their peers are doing it and because they see adults doing it. Allowing children to smoke would fix both of these problems. First, after the age restriction laws are removed, it wouldn’t become an adult thing anymore. It would become a childish thing– something that anybody can do, if they’re stupid enough. Therefore, the adult allure is lost.

And do you remember that bit about “because their peers are doing it”? Well, once the amount of children that smoke for the reason that only adults are allowed to do it dwindles, so too will the amount of children that smoke because their friends do. Genius, right?

Possibly the best part is that, because the stupidest children will generally begin smoking at a younger age, they’ll die younger as well, because the effects will take longer to develop. This may look like a bad thing, but look at it this way: According to the United Nations’ predictions, the world population is going to jump from our current population of around 7 billion to 11 billion in just a century. Essentially, allowing the stupidest of our children to kill themselves could help, and the plan would not negatively affect the smarter individuals in any way.

No, I’m not suggesting that we stop those smoking videos they try to spook you with in the fifth grade– keep those videos running. In fact, teach kids even more about the dangers of smoking! However, logically, allowing children to smoke is the first step toward a country without filthy smokers.